piccarreta ९

After these things... 

one day, after Communion...

I felt Him within me, all Love - Loving me so much, that I myself was very much amazed, for I saw myself as so bad and unrequiting [onbeantwoordend].

And I said within myself: “If only I were good and requiting. I fear that He might leave me... 

(I have always had this fear that He might leave me, and I still do. And sometimes the pain I feel is so great, that I believe that the pain of death would be lesser, and if He Himself does not come to calm me, I can give myself no peace)

...while He wants to draw more intimately close to me.”

While I felt Him inside of me in this way...

through an interior voice, He said to me: 

“My beloved, the things past have been nothing but a preparation. Now I want to come to facts, and in order to dispose your heart to do what I want from you - that is, the imitation of My Life - I want you to sink into the Immense Sea of My Passion. 

And when you have understood well the bitterness of My Pains, the Love with which I suffered them, Who I AM who suffered so much, and who you are, a most wretched [armzalig] creature—ah! your heart will not dare to oppose the blows [slagen], the cross, which, only for your good, I have prepared. 

On the contrary, by just thinking that I, your Master, have suffered so much, your pains will seem shadows to you compared to Mine. Suffering will be sweet for you, and you will reach the point of not being able to be without sufferings.”

My nature trembled at the mere thought of sufferings.

I prayed that He Himself would give me the Strength, because without Him I would use His very gifts to offend the Giver. So, I gave all of myself to meditating the Passion, and this did so much good to my soul, that I believe that all the good has come to me from that source. 

I pictured the Passion of Jesus Christ like an Immense Sea of Light, which wounded me all over with His innumerable rays - rays of Patience, of Humility, of Obedience, and of many other virtues. I saw myself as all surrounded by this Light, and I remained annihilated at seeing myself so different from Him. Those rays that inundated me, were as many reproaches for me. 

I heard them say: “A God so patient, and you? A God humble and submitted [onderworpen] even to His very enemies, and you? A God who suffers so much for Love of you, and where are your sufferings for love of Him?”

Sometimes He Himself would make me the narration...

of the pains suffered by Him... 

and I was so moved that I would cry bitterly. 

One day, while working, I was considering the most bitter pains that my Good Jesus suffered. I felt my heart so oppressed by the pain, that I was out of breath. Fearing something, I wanted to distract myself by going out to the balcony. 

I go about looking in the middle of the street - but what do I see? I see the street all filled with people, and, in the middle, my loving Jesus with the Cross upon His shoulders. Some pulled Him to one side, some to another. All panting [hijgend], with His face dripping with blood, He raised His eyes toward me in act of asking for my help. 

Who can say the sorrow I felt, the impression that a sight so pitiful made on my soul. I immediately went inside, I myself did not know where I was. I felt my heart split with pain. I shouted. Crying, I said to Him:

“My Jesus, if only I could help You! If only I could free You from those wolves so rabid! Ah! I wish at least to suffer those pains in Your place, to give a relief to my sorrow. O please! my Good, give me suffering, for it is not fair that You suffer so much, while I, a sinner, remain without suffering.”

~bron~